About Me
by Leviathan1988uk
Summary: I'm not quite sure where this belongs. This is just random stories that me and my friends have created about ourselves. Thus I've distorted the truth greatly. It's still a work in progress, hope you guys enjoy really sick humor.
1. About Me

I'll tell you folks a tale about moi and my friends. Most people think we are born from relations of a man and a woman, with me... This is not so. I'm technically a STD as I was spawned from a growth of a man's penis. Not any man's penis, in fact he's not even a man! It was a Horse named Joe. Joe is my dad and Kieren was my mother. (I say 'was' because Kieren had a gender swap not long back and now looks... Well... He still looks somewhat female shrugs but what can I say? He insists that I call him dad these days.)

I'll tell you all about the day I was conceived. One night Joe was doing what he normally doesn't do best in the bedroom with some person called Jenneka, (or Yanika for those people who can't quite say the name properly) Joe was metaphorically sking down the slippery slopes that is Janneka A.K.A. Yanika's breasts. Before Joe reached the ground floor Kieren fell out of the closet across the bedroom, penis in hand... Un-zipped... Ready. Before you can say "Horses have large penises" Joe instantly forgot about Jenneka and galloped over to Keiren like a rampaging bull seeing red. Next thing we know after that is a very sore dick and some crazy ass infection from the severe pounding that he gave to Keiren. Joe went to the doctors and they said they've never seen anything like it and they wished to study it, Joe said "Fuck right off" and promptly left the building. Basically from fucking Kieren up the arse he developed a growth on his bell-end. Eventually the growth dropped off, and I was the end result. I am a walking, talking and a mass producing bell-end. I'm gonna have to be honest, I never really met my mother I've only heard the tales. Joe and Keiren never really did see eye to eye after that.


	2. The half horsehalf man Joe

I'm sure you're all eager to know about my Dad, Joe. On his myspace it just says that he's a horse but I think I'm willing to be a little more open than that. Joe was born from his own mum(well duh...) and a good mate of ours, Chris. Now the thing is when Joe was born, Chris wasn't very old, literally born in the same year. I know what you're thinking, how does a newborn shag a hawt piece of ass like Joe's mum. Quite simple really in 2028 a person invented a time machine,(we're not allowed to know the person name as this may cause some kind of crazy shit that I can't get my head around.) Chris took the chance to make a difference in his life as it was rather dull and boring, mainly because Joe or me wasn't you know... Not alive and all. Funny thing is Chris met Julia(Joe's mum, I'de thought get a little personal... I laughed when I found this name out, I thought it was gonna be a slaggy name... Like Karen.) over the course of his life and she always stuck in his mind. Right in it. He tried to get it on with Julia and succeeded.

Some people maybe confused though, how does this story make Joe a horse? Chris is a half-caste, Joe's mum is white. There's no horse in there? Wrong! This is a two part tale my good friends...

So... As we know, Chris used a time machine to get at Julia, what we didn't know is that there was a horse involved. Chris met up with Julia in the fields of Desford and managed to sweep her of her feet. Chris noticed that there was a horse in the fields, even though there was this fine piece of ass right of him he couldn't take his eyes of the horse. His slender yet firm back. His fluffy tale. Chris was standing to attention, Julia thought he was really happy to see her but we know that it was the horse... Before the foreplay ended and the real interacial fuck fest started Chris really wanted the horse to come into the games, so he quite bluntly said to Julia:

"I want that Horse on me, now."

She was quite stunned by the lack of subtly and the timing, after all she didn't really want a horse involved in their sex games. But if she didn't have that shag she would die.

The thing about Julia is, if she didn't get that shag a day she quite simply cease to function because, lets face it, she had no other real reason to live. She is what we common people call a 'Sexual Deviant'. She gave the whole confuzzled look, it's not very often someone asks you to have sex with a horse being involved. But she had to do what she had to do and wearily nodded.

Chris and Julia walked over to the horse hand in hand like a normal couple with the purest of intentions, well except they were stark naked in a middle of a field heading towards a horse. That and Chris had the largest stiffy had in his entire life with the thoughts of the horse plaguing his mind. The plan was to passively shag right in front of the horse with Chris's ass in the high up in the air to goat the horse to jump right inside Chris's ass. Which they did so, but nothing really happened for a good 10 minutes or so. Chris got bored waiting for the horse to take the bait and instead pounded Julia like the dirty hoe that she is. It was then, when Chris least suspected it the horse stuck his 20 foot cock right in his ass, being so large it ripped right through his ass all the way to his cock, Chris and the Horse were double-teaming Julia's gaping hole that we would call a cum bucket. As this was quite a shock for Chris he pretty much came straight away and so did the horse, the cum sort of molded into each other which made half-black/half-horse spunk.

Chris died and Julia got pregnant.


	3. Tales of the crazy time traveller, Chris

If you guys wanted to know a little on Chris's background, there is nothing much to know. He just has this fucked up thing about porn which ironically kinda killed the future him. Me and Joe told him about the horse story and he's kinda scared about the idea of having a horse cock in his ass now. He might still try it out though, who knows. He always has that glint in his eye when he looks at Joe. Joe always gives that returning glint in his eye that Chris can relate to every time he fires off some knuckle children across Julia's chest. Chris dies a little inside every time that glint comes right back him, he feels he has to say sorry to his would be children once they've been smeared all over her. Such a waste of cum.


	4. Other friends and such

Through my friends I've met some awesome people. Cara for example, Chris's sister. She is awesome... What, you expected some long rant of bullshit? Fuck off, you're not getting it from her. Anyways she introduced me to a few things but mainly I should only really say one as the rest maybe a little naughty to say on myspace.(not like what I've previously said isn't) One of those things she's introduced me to is Darren. He is her current partner, he has no life and is a complete WoW head.(World of Warcraft to you normal folks out there)

There's a few things I'd like you lot to know about Darren before we continue on about WoW. If you ever get the chance to get to talk to him, he we generally try to follow along of what you're saying but he tends to switch off. Now as soon as you talk about WoW for instance he turns into a completely different person and you can't get the fucker to shut up. I mean seriously, if you find a way to make him shut up without saying...

"Yeah I'd say about a B-Cup."

I think I can officially call you God, and many of my friends will back you up and probably worship you. There's another thing you need to know if you ever meet this man. He's a woman, don't let his looks fool you. He is the whiniest bitch you'll ever know, he can easily beat the stupidity your husband or wife that you've been with for 20 years. You ever been an argument where your partner just won't let you win? Then pulls all this crap from what happened 10 years ago as a mental bombshell... Yeah this guy does it to random people if they for some reason cross whatever logic is kept in that skull of his. He's alright, but he's a whiney bitch.

Now onto the WoW. I have a few words to say about this mythological internet tyrant that is called WoW, some of the things may sound familiar and then some may not. This would actually be a quote from myself as I have posted this to Joe as a comment on his myspace.

_"I Hate: World of warcraft."_

_I will add another comment for that one and for the rest of the other viewers of this profile. World of Warcraft, or as we geeks may call it... WoW. Does infact steal lives! It stole mine, it stole Chris's. I could even say it stole Grant's and Darren's lives. (But that would be a lie, because even the people who haven't met them know that they have no life...)_

_I recommend to anyone who has a PC, access to the internet and some money of course, not to play WoW. It makes you a geek, it could also make ginger, fat or a Transvestite. Or if you're really unlucky... A black, fat, ginger transvestite... Oh and let's not forget a gay, and we all know what that usually means. A big fat cock up the arse. And no one really wants that, not even a gay wants that. Not even a Horse wants that! I know I don't want that, I don't want that at all! But since I'm a veteran WoW player and all I have is the scuffle (Once you get past my scuffle there's not much else I can do to protect myself really...), I've had that big fat cock up my arse. It hurts good and proper. It's not even like the first time my mum shagged me kind of pain, it's the full blown rape pain. Though that's kind of contridictary to what I previously said about mum, but I love my mum so I let it slide. /rant_

There was a new name amongst that quote, Grant. He's a natural born geek, first thing he did when came out of his mum's... Actually I don't know much about her pussy, which is strange for me. I mostly know more about her nipples but I'll get along to that shortly, where was I?...

_Scratchs noodle_

Ah yes. First thing Grant did when he got out of his mum's indescribable cunt,(this may change at a later date) was to grab the thickest pair of glasses he could find. His natural habitat was in his room, where he spent much of his live until this year(or 2007 to be more precise, I hope these tales will stay on myspace for quite a while. I hope it grows too.) where he left of to Portsmoth Uni, he is currently living their. Far away from, immune to the tales I can create. But this doesn't mean there isn't any! Oh no readers!

Before Grant was encountered with a terminology called "Friends" he mainly socialised with his parents in a somewhat normal background. He never really came up anything across that would interperate as sexy or "Just-Plain-Wrong", which I find personally quite odd as I know his family. He was around 13 when his teenager hormones were kicking in and found out that his dick was more than just an ornament on his body, although he was always glued in front of a pc screen he never really knew what a porn site was so he made do with tedium of wanking by accidental rubbing or a good ol'e favourite of mine, morning glory. It was one faitful night that he heard the moans and sighing of his mother, as he creeped across the landing and urging his head towards the room ever so slightly he was very much confused by the bed-rocking sounds. Be known to what the sounds really are he assumed that it was some kind of earthquake that centred in his parents room, so being the geek that he his he wished to study it and find out what the root of the earthquake was.

Now the thing you have to realise here is that Grant's family could quite possibly the most anti-social, inactive family I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Seriously, they all have hourly sessions on the TV on their lonesome, nothing really is done as a family. So when Katrina and Dave(it's getting personal time...) are getting down with it, all the family is an uproar of confusion.

This next bit I'm gonna tell in the way that Grant described it to me. I pissed myself so much when he told me.

_"It was so strange, I didn't quite know how to react at first. There wasn't even any covers on the bed for first lot of facts, my mum seemed to be gyrating on my Daddy's tallyswhach like it was one of those sycamore things falling from the tree's and mum was also making noises like a dying giraffe."_

I promptly laughed in his face at the description that he gave me and said:

"That's sex Grant." with tears in my eyes.

After that he told me about her nipples and how stupidly massive they were and also how she didn't actually have any tit's, just a flat chest. I felt this information came across as pretty random and odd since he had no clue of the concept on sex, he actually knew quite well what a normal women should look like at that age... I didn't really question it. What he didn't tell me is that he flat out shit himself from right there and then from the sight he saw, he attempted to creep away to his room acting like his parents didn't see him. Chances are they actually did see and smell him which just made them fuck even harder, the idea that their own son is developing into a horny little shit through their own deviance made them happy in their pants, pity he didn't have a wank right in front of them. Shortly after his episode he returned to his room, changed himself and stuffed all his dirty clothes under the floorboards along with the rest of nightly mistakes.


End file.
